Question: HIGHER BEING – Do you believe that we have a higher being that lives in a state of nirvana (nirvana being our natural state) who decided to come forth into this time-space reality as a means to experience contrast in an effort to understand our divine nature?

Answer: You are the being. Now answer the question for yourself.

-Dr Fred Alan Wolf (aka: Dr. Quantum)

Just so that nobody thinks I’ve dropped off of the edge of the world, here’s a brief update.

I’ve been pretty darned sick, so nobody’s seen much of me. Because I’ve been sick, I’ve been reading a lot, and playing with piles of new and interesting ideas. I love books that make me think, so most of my interest tends to run to non-fiction and either spirituality, science, or that lovely no-man?s land where both meet, quantum physics. I like conspiracy theories and gonzo politics, too, but that’s another day.

So, I’ve been trying to nurse my poor, sick, damaged self by curling up on the couch with chamomile tea, a little light classical playing in the background, and one of several works on alternative thought/ science/ philosophy/ new age/ occult. I just finished “Walking Between the Worlds: a Treatise on Modern Shamanism” by Phil Hine, and am currently working on Peter J. Carroll’s classic, “Liber Null”.

So, no, I’m not dead yet. It may feel that way most of the time, but I am, in fact, still alive, and will be back to normal soon… that is, I hope to be. (The hospital is still running tests.)

In the mean time, here’s my latest obsession: Dr. Fred Wolf, aka “Dr. Quantum” and his essays, available for everyone to enjoy here. (His essay on “Writing a Self-Help Book” is nothing short of fantastic.)

“Today, I control my breath.I do not take my breath for granted. I breathe through the nose, inhaling deeply, taking in oxygen and energy; and exhaling slowly, releasing tension and toxins.

I am riding home from work when I can feel the storm coming: the tightening in the chest, the racing thoughts, the nausea, the sweats. There is no reason for this. Why is this happening? My brain is screaming.

We pull into the driveway, and there’s a tightly-packed line of parked cars extending from the garage clear out to the street. Some I recognize, others I don’t. It doesn’t matter who they are. I know I can’t handle them tonight. I put on a brave face and come inside anyway… I would feel more foolish if I continued to stand in the driveway.

I take one of my “panic pills,” and the husband (who knows what’s happening) puts on the tea kettle to make me some chamomile tea. I wait for the kettle?’ whistle, and I find a quiet place.

And I breathe.

Just breathe.

The storm will pass. The meds will kick in.

For now, I just breathe.

It is the next day. I am at work. My day has been humming along nicely, when the room starts to close in. Everything suddenly feels darker and more sinister. My breathing accelerates, and my head starts hurting. I feel sick. I log out of my phone, and run to the ladies room.

After I get myself cleaned up, I splash cold water on my face.

That’s when I remember the breathing.

Just breathe.

Just breathe.

It’s an ancient rhythm, in out, in out, waves on a shore.

Nobody around me knows anything is wrong.

I go outside. I stand in the sunshine and let the wind ruffle my skirts and play with my hair. I feel the sun on my face, and keep breathing. Slow and steady.

I’m fine for now. Another attack thwarted before it could close in and take over. I return to my desk, and log back into my phone.

And breathe.